she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
