I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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