Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
