you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize