Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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