my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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