i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Randomize
