FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
