i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
so much tequila, so little girl.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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