I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
