People with herpes should wear stickers.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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