grandma shit on top of the toilet
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
