You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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