Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
