Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
even my farts smell like vagina
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
