I like my sex mixed with concussions.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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