you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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