I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
