i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
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