My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize