I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Randomize
