Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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