Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
