I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
