Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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