I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
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