coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Randomize