hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
