We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
