I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
