im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize