i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
