I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize