You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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