peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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