I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
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