just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
