i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
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