i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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