He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Randomize
