I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
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