What tipped you off? The sombrero?
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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