I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
