Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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