I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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