I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Randomize