before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
