I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
