Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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