You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
