Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Randomize
