How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
