I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Randomize
