I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
It was like getting head from an anaconda
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
he just fucked me for my cheese.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Randomize
